at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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