you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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