We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
40s are totally the cure
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
