I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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