you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
