apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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