I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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