i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
