oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
