he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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