I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
