Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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