True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
