What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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