definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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