If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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