I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
