The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
