im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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