holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
