FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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