Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
