i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
