I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize