If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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