glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I love you.
Bad choice
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
