I accidentally had phone sex last night
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
As shirtless as possible
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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