The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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