I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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