Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
