I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
The uberlube is also flammable
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
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