Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You ruined the universe
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
