I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
