Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
