Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
