I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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