who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
