Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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