I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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