have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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