I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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