I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
