My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
