that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
