guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
