I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
