I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
