I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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