I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
