They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
