3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I just found a bag of teeth...
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
