Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
